Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Webgrl comeback?

I ate a lot today. Well, maybe not a ton but for what i should be eating - it was more.
Food preoccupied my thoughts today like it usually does when i'm trying to be good.
So i tried my avoiding tactics.
I painted my nails, i made artwork and i played around on the computer.
Then i realised that all the avoiding in the world wouldn't help me from staying out of the fridge and scarfing down something bad.
So i allowed myself a serving and a half of fat free ice cream and told myself that THAT WAS IT.
I got busy so i didn't have time to think about the food.
My binge monster was trying to sabotage my success. I was trying to sabotage my success.
I was trying to sabotage my efforts to have anything good in life.
I need to figure out what makes me think i'm so damned unworthy, that i fight myself everytime something good can happen to me.
For me , i think this means i have to re program how i think and more importantly, how i think of myself.
I need to take my mother's voice out of my head along with quite a few other people in my life
who always nagged me about my weight, how i would look and of course ' no boys will want you'
Well there is one who wants me and i refuse to let myself believe that he really does want me. All 200 + lbs of me (way plus 200)
AND WHY NOT??? I'm a good person. I love and love hard. I'm kind, concious of other people's feelings and needs and i try to be an all round decent human being.
Why can't i accept that i too, am deserving of the love and attention that i give to others.
I think i'm finally finding the root of all of this, or getting somewhere near there. I'm starting to really dig and figure it all out. I need to. Its not about the food anymore. Its about me and what makes me want that food. Why i need to 'numb out' and how in the heck did this happen to me? Either way, it did and i'm about ready to undo it, re program and fix myself.
No more bandaids.
Are you aware of your root causes for overeating, bad self image? What are your 'triggers' what things do you need to re program? We are in this together. Lets help each other friends.

4 Comments:

Blogger iportion said...

Wow what a good post.
I was told no one would want me at my weight. It just made me eat more. It was all lies anyway.
I found my "dream man" and I was over 200 pounds. He loves me at any weight. I wanted my outsides to match how he mde me feel on the inside.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Sonya said...

I just had a chance to read this - a good post. Thanks for being so candid.

You're right about finding the "root" cause. For me, my issues with food started from childhood. And while I'm now married and have moved away from home - some of those issues still haven't gone away. It took me a long time to get this way, and I suppose it's going to take me awhile to re-program myself too.

9:19 PM  
Blogger NIUiceprincess said...

i eat when i'm bored. or when i'm watching tv. urrrgghhhh. when i'm watching tv i keep on snacking and never feel "full" when i should be. by the way it's a good post. thanks for sharing.

10:57 PM  
Blogger Webgrl said...

Thanks girls. Its difficult sorting through all of this and figuring out what makes us eat. Its even harder to figure out how to stop that or avoid it. Is it all just a huge avoidance tactic? Is that what dealing is? I'm having a hard time this week getting back into things. My workouts make me hurt like hell and i'm sick of counting points and its only been one day of counting! aaaah

12:33 PM  

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